June 15, 2014

Peace



Madeleine passed away yesterday afternoon.  She is finally at peace.  She fought so hard, and her body was done.  In the end, she was done too.  We talked about death, she knew it was coming. She knew that it would be an end to the pain and suffering.  A couple hours before she passed she asked us, "how do I die?"  I know that she was ready.  We were all able to say our goodbyes and our I love yous.  When she died Ryan was playing music on the ukelele, and singing to her.  I know she liked it.

We are very sad.  Even though we have done a lot of grieving throughout this whole process, it's still inconceivable that this has happened.  But there is also relief.  I know she was miserable during these last few days.  I'm so glad that her suffering is over.  I'm glad to be done with all the medicine, the oxygen tanks, the feeding supplies, and the worry.  The worst has happened and I'm no longer afraid.

Dr. Butros (her oncologist extraordinaire in New Mexico), once told us that she thinks there is hope in death.  I didn't understand that (outside of a religious context) until now.  There is hope in a life that was loved, there is hope in a spirit that remains with us, and there is hope in being at peace.






15 comments:

Ericka said...

I love you.
You have been so very brave and I know MG is a treasure you will keep for the rest of your life.

xoxo
-e

Bree said...

Im so incredibly sorry. Im lucky to have known her. Love you. I wish there were more words. Xo

Jenny said...

We love you guys and we are so very sorry. We will be thinking of you and are here if there's anything we could possibly do.

Danelle said...

There are no words I can find besides that we love you all and are sending you all love from here and please let us know what is anything we can do.

Andrea GG said...

We love you and are so sad to hear this.

JT said...

My friend, I cannot imagine how hard this is. I can imagine too well. Blessings to you for the peace you can find. I also find in death, hope. I am so glad you could bring her home for her last days. I know she wanted to fight---her bravery has been incomprehensible and so heroic. Yours too. I am forever in gratitude that your parents could come in her last week, and be with you all in a peaceful and joyful place. Hold on sweet family. You will cherish each other more forever--Mad's gift to you. Amber, I did not want the loss of a daughter in common with you. I wanted you to win here. I am devastated,crushed at your loss. God bless you and hold you close as the blessings are revealed. If there is ANYTHING I can do, now or later. I wish I could have met this magic little lady. Through your generous blog and sharing of pics, I feel I have. A HUGE spirit, that will continue in her own way. You have been blessed.

Kristy Mack said...

Amber, I am so very sorry. I don't have the words to express the love I am sending to you and your family. RIP sweet baby girl.

Carrie said...

Thank you for sharing, Amber. I'm so happy to have known Madeleine. I'm so very sorry...and I'm sending you all lots of love.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, Amber.. Although I may have never known your Madeleine, I would love to thank you and Ryan for sharing her with us, from her infancy and throughout her growth into the courageous, eternally beautiful little girl she will forever be. My thoughts and love are always with you and your family

Amy Scott said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy Scott said...

I really have no words. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Christine said...

I don't really know what to say Amber, but thank you for your sharing your family, your life, your Madeleine because for a time while my mom was fighting her cancer, I would read your blog to her and her entire chemo room and every time, your blog would help people in the room connect, share stories, their feelings of being scared and talk about the unknown. Cancer is mean & ugly. But as you shared their is something to the word "HOPE" and your Madeleine certainly shared hope & strength for people of all ages that knew her personally or were only so lucky to know her story from what you shared. Her little life will certainly change many lives. My mom lost her fight March 24th. It's not the same as losing a child, but the pain of losing a family member is all too familiar. I am still in shock and often times, not really able to accept where we are in life without her. I don't have any words to tell you because I certainly know, no one has said anything to me to fix the pain in my heart. I do know from a dear friend that lost her daughter at age 12, she told me that "....life is not fair and one cannot analyze the why's." She does say, that every part of her life with doing, thinking, saying and being, was changed by her child. I'm sure you already know that and can see how your sweet Madeleine will live on forever through the lives she touched. But just know when you can't sleep, can't stop crying or can't come to terms, there are people you don't even know, that know just a glimpse of what you've been thru, hold you and your family deep in their hearts and prayers.

Becky said...

We love you all so very much and we hold you in our hearts and thoughts constantly

Sara said...

Amber, you are a wonderful mom and writer. I'm sorry to hear Madeleine has passed on. I think often of the time I met her and how she admired my jewelry and then brought me all her sparkly beads to wear. I was so tickled by her sense of style and touched by her generous spirit. What a lovely little girl.

Anonymous said...

I was sadden to read in your blog that Madeleine had passed away. I feel blessed that I was able to be her preschool teacher and through that got to know all of you. I will miss her but I know that she is at peace now.

Love to all, Mrs. Brown